i have experienced this more than a hundred times i think, but like any other emotion, they pass you by, they come and go. if i feel or find something pleasurable, i intend to desire it. of course, who woudn't want something pleasurable in their lives, right? i hundered times i pleasured things, the pleasure of having someone around you, the pleasure of being in love, maybe? any person would desire this, right? of course, the feeling is ecstatic. but after feeling this, i have to say that sometimes, it's really painful to desire something.
i can say that i have fallen many times already, but fallen from what? i think that i have failed if there is something that i desire, but i cannot get hold of it. i've gone crazy over pigging out on food to the point that sometimes i crave for a certain food, but if i don't get what i want, i feel down. i think it's the same with almost anything. I feel something pleasurable and then there's desire, but if i can't do something to satisfy my craving for that desire... i begin to feel that i'm a failure.
it's lame, but i think that most of the lessons that i have learned so far from life is from getting hurt. getting hurt physically and emotionally. among the two, i prefer to get hurt physically, because the pain goes away about a week or two... but to get hurt emotionally, and i think is caused by my pleasures and desires, is harder to recover from. i have been thinking about the same things for the past year already, i couldn't get over something that hurt me so bad. it was about something that i desired so much. and the worst part is, i got hold of this desire, and i was trying to fight for it to the point that i was losing everything that i have around me. but somewhere along all the fighting, it slipped, and it still hurts me until this day.
so i've grown to become bitter... i making myself believe that if i stop thinking about pleasure, then i won't have to desire anything... and this will stop me from hurting again.
but even if i keep instilling this to myself, i still feel like there's something wrong with it, that if i stop desiring(actually i've already mastered this a bit), but then i still feel empty.
so what should i do? i don't want to get hurt, i'm tired of it, i want to stop desiring because i know that i will fail again. haha! you see, there's something wrong about it, don't you think?
because i've already thought about this like a thousand times already, i know that it is thru desire and pleasure that i find happiness also. i think that because of these two i still find the drive to live. it's pretty messed up, huh? but based on my experience, that's how pleasure and desire work for me. is it really that way with everyone? or is it that i just don't know how to handle pleasures and desires? i don't know about you... but this is how it is with me.